Another Last Day

Today was my last day of work…37 years, two states, ten schools, and fifteen different positions later here I sit balling my eyes out instead of celebrating.  I am so confused.  It’s not like I decided today to retire.  This day has been in the decision stage for several months maybe even several years…..so why the “sadness”.

I believe it is because for the first time in 37 years I actually realize I was called to be a teacher.  As pathetic or puzzling as that statement may be, it actually is the truth.

Several times throughout my career we would be asked “what made you want to be a teacher?”  I always wanted to copy others’ answers like “I played school with my dolls since I was a little girl.”  Or “I was inspired by a teacher that I loved”.  Or “I was inspired to do better by a teacher that was horrible.”  Somehow my answer always seemed lame but it was true.  “I never wanted to be a teacher but when I went to college the foreign language degree I wanted to get wasn’t available so I switched to education.” 

Even though I always tried to work hard and go the extra mile or two, I didn’t think deep down it was the area of my giftedness.  I know today from this side of it all, it was the right decision.  Throughout these 37 years I met incredible and inspiring kids, parents, and educators.  I was blessed, really blessed.  It seemed as if a curtain was been pulled back and I finally knew the reason for the tears and heaviness I felt today.  I really had been “called” to be an educator.  That’s what was making this so hard.  I was grieving because it was, it is a loss of something that was a huge part of my life and a huge part of my heart. 

I hate that it took me so long to realize this truth about myself.  God led me along with so many tender mercies throughout this process but I was not always grateful or graceful. Now any of my complaints seem petty and prideful.

It is foolishness to any one else but to me this realization is the last piece of this puzzle.  Now it all makes sense…what a beautiful picture it really is!